So at least everything is okay there, and I can get back to telling him to write a damn review of Retro Game Challenge before I do, because by god I’ll insult it up and down despite the fact that I quite enjoyed it.

But updates are slow. I am not a professional reviewer or newshound, unlike the sex gods at Kotaku: The Gamer’s Guide to Being a Passive-Aggressive Sony Basher. And I realized that my memory cards look like the result of a developer gangrape, so I’m trying to play one game at a time through to completion. Since the last really interesting tidbit out of the gaming industry happened around 1998 and I don’t want this zine to turn into a link dump, this means I’m at a bit of a loss as to what to post. So here, be distracted by pictures of our new shop dog:

And I guess there is one somewhat timely review:

CHRIS REDFIELD DOES NOT CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE

Much has been made of the content of Resident Evil 5 and how racist or not racist it is. As Yahtzee points out in his own review, it makes no sense for regionally appropriate skin tone to be anything other than raci… wait, that his review of Uncharted, where he took the game to task for perceived racism in the same exact way he defended RE5 from the same claim. I guess he knows which part of the tropics are inhabited by something other than Haitians. Fucking hypocrite.

Anyway, screw this discussion. You go into some histrionic fit if you want to, it’s not like the entire world is populated by an unlimited number of white people for you to shoot at.

The real offense in RE5 is that the main character still steers like a goddamn tank. Thankfully it’s some tiny, sexy, sterile white tank that Toyota rolled out in another robotics demo. One that zooms around and spins and plays the violin and shares its collection of upskirt photos instead of the early Resident Evil Panzers that lumbered around like vaguely mobile zombie chew toys. But the fact is, I think we’re in for at least two more direct sequels and three gaiden games before we see a major overhaul of the series. Beyond the massively enhanced graphics, this is merely a retuning of RE4.

A good retuning, and definitely worthwhile, but even the limited plots seem to have slowed down. Observe:

Bad guy in oversized rain coat: RE4, RE5.

Smarter, faster, non-zombie enemies: RE4, RE5.

Big, lumbering motherfucker with a heavy melee weapon and some kind of bag over his head: RE4, RE5, Silent Hill

Oh snap! Uncle Jimmy, is that you?

Defending a house from an invasion, complete with barricades: RE4, RE5.

So yeah, it’s all a bit familiar. Fortunately, it’s a really fun kind of familiar, but you have to wonder if the artists were the only ones getting paid for this effort.

First off, the graphics. Like every damn major title that comes down the chute these days, the graphics are top notch. They’re not pushing the envelope like Devil May Cry or Metal Gear Solid, but they easily hold their own against those names. The real charm is the varied artwork that goes into the buildings and scenery, especially (as always) early on in the game. A lot of attention is paid to making each building stand out in some way. Even when they can’t radically alter the building materials, the construction, wear and tear, and feel of each little shop and shanty is its own little island. This is what games have been needing to do, have done to some degree or the other, but haven’t quite nailed down. RE5 shines in the details such as this.

Character models are also solid, but in the antithesis of the architecture, they are very repetitive. Three chapters in and I was very familiar with all the basic enemies, having murdered somebody who looked like Saddam Hussein about three dozen times.

Another nice amount of detail is the extras. If you ever thought Resident Evil should be more like Shenmue, except without the 98% of the game that’s pure crap, you’re in luck; collectible capsule toys. Not so much in-game as it is something you can spend your accumulated points on in-between levels. Meet certain requirements and unlockable models of all the characters from the game become available for purchase. Likewise, extra costumes, graphic filters, and other secrets.

As if that weren’t enough, RE5 offers a lot of in-game customization of weapons. In the most unexpected twist, and thankfully for pussies like me who find the games rather difficult, you can optionally replay earlier levels to grind for ammunition, money, and healing items. It can make the game too easy for obsessive-compulsives and Starcraft fans, so the game caps the level of weapon customization comparative to your progress.

Stop shootin’ at me, honky!

Those of you who were around for RE4 are familiar with the nuts and bolts of RE5. The analog control and shoot/slash/context sensitive nature of combat is the same, tightened a bit for more hectic gameplay, and cranked up to 11. Chris and the interchangeable Jill Valentine replacement with the cleavage are equipped with a variety of monster-bashing melee moves that can be unleashed, seemingly at random (the manual might explain it, if you’re that damn girly), and with some crazy level of effectiveness that your bullets can’t seem to match. The selection of hardware also seems to be greatly improved this time around, and a lot more guns and other volatile toys are there to be found.

The monsters get more and more grotesque and challenging as you advance, with a few unique surprises waiting.

It’s a worthwhile game. I hope they get a bit more daring at times other than when the series is years past stale, but for now the revamped formula seems to be more than worth another visit.

Playing God Hand is like strapping your face to a bottle rocket and then aiming it at your neighbor’s cat, with the same net result. This game is simply one of the greatest things ever pressed to any kind of game-related media, ever. I can’t stress this enough; the only thing that would make this game better is if it came with a voluptuous redhead, who in turn came with an unending supply of hot nacho cheese.

Some of you may have passed on the game based on IGN’s low score of 3/10. You may think it was rather visionary of this website to grant that score as well as Imagine: Party Babyz 7/10, or maybe it’s some Andy Kaufman-like prank, but I’m going to tell you the truth: Reviewer Chris Roper is so stupid that his family has to impale a rubber ball on the end of his eating utensils. Sure, it ruins the purpose of a fork to completely block it off, but he enjoys waving it around and he doesn’t even know how to use one in the first place so there’s no harm done.

The bottom line is, if you love brawlers and you don’t mind a fuckfuckcrapouch hard game, you really need to buy God Hand immediately. I’m never going to say that my opinion is absolutely correct… except right now. And when I’m verbally abusing Chris Roper, but that’ll be fairly evident once you see the end credits, which should earn the game 9/10 all on its own:

Keep in mind that the game is truly hard, and do not fucking think I’m kidding you in the least. It’s one of the hardest games to come out of the industry in years. Between bouts of making Chris Roper cry like a little bitch who just lost his Go-Bots Trapper Keeper, God Hand scoffs at people who consider Ninja Gaiden a challenge -or even fun- before headbutting the entire universe into submission. Just because it can. The game is possibly a conspiracy to sell more Dual Shock controllers from the intense button pounding both you and your poor, godforsaken fingers will endure.

It’s worth it. Beneath God Hand’s kitchy premise and simple controls lies a depth of theme and gameplay that seldom falls out of the sore hole of the mighty game development anus. You want exploits? They were programmed in on purpose. You want virtually every in-joke at gaming, Capcom, and the brawler genre? Barrels will explode when thrown, demons will be beaten into submission via wrestling holds, and Honda minivans will be beaten with your bare fists during bonus rounds. Hell, the game starts with a splash screen announcing (falsely) that this game, much like Capcom’s Resident Evil series, features scenes of explicit violence and gore.

Serious business, that.

And then the game feels free to drop the subtlety (okay, comparatively) and have our hero announce “At last, a boss fight!” upon seeing the first big fatty, a Cuban demon named Elvis. You have to hear his fight music before you judge this game.

I’m not talking to you, Roper. No way in hell will you ever get that far, it’s an entire twenty minutes into the game. I might recommend Lemonade Stand on the Apple IIe, that might have had an Easy mode. But if not, you’re FUCKED. There’s rainy days and all kinds of hard shit like that.

I haven’t even written a proper review. And you know what, I don’t have to. This is the first in a two week series of reviews designed to kick my own ass into creating content so you drones will save my ad box from deletion so I can keep making forty-six cents every month. Also, if you don’t buy or go out and rent God Hand, you don’t need to be reading this site anyway. It’s twenty dollars, you sissy.

Also, today we learned that IGN’s hiring process probably involves one question, and that question is “Do you hate games?”

I leave you with this dramatization of Chris Roper attempting to play God Hand.

Good night and good luck.

(A friend has informed me that you do, and it’s even more epic. Plus your character now looks quite a lot like The Riddler. Sold!)

Then again, I guess I can understand why the team felt the need to include the tutorial. Looking at video of the upcoming Bionic Commando game, they desperately needed Treyarch’s Spider-Man engine to figure out how to make a game in the first place because this game looks like some synthesis of the latter’s web-slinging engine… with guns!

The real kicker that convinced me that both the dev team and Veronica Belmont will not be joining John Carmack on his rocket-building binges was the Qore interview where they talked about how important it was to pick up in the story just where the original left off. You haven’t gone insane; They actually said that. Apparently there’s somewhere you can go, narrative-wise, after blowing up Hitler’s face. Then again, Sony or whoever probably didn’t hire Belmont to do any complex math problems, as Google’s search suggestions indicate:

Since some of you are obviously unaware of how to turn off SafeSearch to look for some real spank material, I added a helpful guide to the above picture. Also, “boyfriend”? Seriously, you’re aiming too high.

Anyway, my money is on Rearmed. The upcoming sequel to the original Bionic Commando’s sales numbers has a bad case of gaybeard and Akira arm.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

From now on, I need to check on this kind of crap. While he was generally happy with the controller and the reduced price I offered upon seeing it, I prefer to stock top-level stuff. So I’ve pushed the price of these things down to $5.99 to get rid of them.

What you need to know: These controllers work pretty well, but they’re pretty cheaply made. They look cheaply made. They feel cheaply made. The d-pad is a bit stiff and the buttons are loose. I’ll look for a better alternative, but these “AVA” controllers are here if you’re looking for a cheap, potentially disposable SNES gamepad.

You can find it here.

While I’m doing the business post, we got a fresh batch of brand new Megaman X4 in.

At this point we have finished the software sections for the PS2 and 360. 360’s hardware and accessories are also halfway done, though we won’t finish that until all the other software sections are complete. Right now we’re slugging away through the DS library.

If there’s anything you wanted to order, bug us. We’re happy to skip to it. Because we’re poor.

Anyfuck, as far as future features for the website, we’re hoping to change the numeric page ordering to alphabetization. Sure beats trying to guess which letter starts at which number, right? Also… maybe… user blogs.

And that’s the news.