Another day, another thirty nebulously-written press releases from our special bus friends at Kotaku (who isn’t sick of these corporate mouthpieces?). This time it’s Luke Plunkett telling you that if you don’t give a shit about customizing your Mii ripoff, YOU’RE GONNA LOVE THESE FAKE CLOTHES. Click anywhere on the idiotic quote to be taken to the Gamer’s Guide on How to Sell Out.

His latest attempt to curry corporate favor is, if nothing else, surprising, as Sony rarely fills any role at Kotaku beyond the raw asshole, paraded out and abused in their fair weather farm show.

But self-aggrandizing, David and Goliath shenanigans notwithstanding, the tenor of the article was shockingly sycophantic given the site’s history with the company.  And while I hate to say I told you so (He really doesn’t -Ed), it would lend credence to my theory of some weeks ago: that Kotaku now has more to gain as an equal opportunity brown-nosed bottom-feeder than by maintaing a facade of respectability through conveniently edgy, in-your-face editorializing (read: pandering to the Xbox crowd, a demographic which has grown almost day and date with the site itself).

But hats off to Stephen Totilo all the same.  He’s clearly paid enough attention to this industry to understand that game journalists are little more than unwitting copywriters.  And that sort of epiphany is the first step towards a fast car and a crazy stripper wife courtesy of Microsoft, Activision, Sony, Rockstar…not Nintendo though.  They don’t even need our business…even when they do.

This just days after attempted-comedian Jimmy Fallon devoted NBC airtime to shilling for Microsoft’s Project Natal and Xbox 360.  Kotaku was sure to cover that too…four times, in fact.

A slow week perhaps?  I mean, it’s not like E3 just wrapped up or something…

I only bring this up because I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen Kotaku praised as a paragon of journalistic integrity…despite of the fact that these guys have even less to gain from maintaining these (fictitious) standards than your average GameSpot writer.

But I’m the douchebag for pointing it out, right?

I won’t blame the former two. The trailers tend to make it look like yet another shooter, or even an MMO shooter, but definitely not Warcraft 3 with mentally challenged midget aliens:

Since the accompanying press release is too boring for words, I decided to run it through dictionary.com’s translater, into Japanese and then back into English. Not only does this potentially extend the olive branch to our Eastern cousins before beating them to death with it and then teabagging their corpses, it’s more amusing to read.

Hello war is the game of the exciting maneuvers which are based on the outer space of the legend of Halo®. Order to the troop of mind of the warship of UNSC of the fire where the unit of new UNSC where with campaign mode, encounter of the initial it was well known vis-a-vis the combination of the foreign country which threatens the fact that contract and the mankind are erased has been attached. Hello war it is noted, the fact that hello it dampens within the period when outer space is quick the beginning for Xbox® hello leads to title and it to be possible experiences thing is permitted. Using the guidance of Serina, external personality of the artificial intelligence which is vigor of the soldier of UNSC (A.I.), directly the troop, Warthogs, the scorpion, and swaying, it has itself strength and use, to be many, each group. In addition as for the venture commander that in the battlefield being hidden, to find, if sufficiently good fortune, it can ask the technology of ancient harbinger. In addition as for contract power it waits in order to lead those to fight of skirmish for the group of contestants with the experience whose Xbox is new. It groans in order to be defeated the enemy of the battlefield voice, the elite, it seems like illusion and [ootamaoshikogane], ask the arsenal of the unit of the contract which is new, is well known. The player who makes the strategic air which is approached necessary and reacts well appears victory.

The acquisition where the · of the world of legend is new: The picture hello set of outer space, hello first the shooter of the person of the preceding day publisher hello it fights. Experience the quick fight where it is during being opposed which reaches to the wide scope which is preceding diligently hello in the lump of the series of the big hit of UNSC and contract. Mind of the fire, it is changed for using the troop of UNSC, joins to the crew on the boat of the colony of the Phoenix class which is led by the external personality Serina of A.I. Story development in the first planet where harvest and contract of the planet are attacked follows to the mind of discovery of the ancient man-made work of the fire during travelling.

Strategic order of · of troop: Hello as for war when contract power is engaged to the UNSC unit and order of the battlefield on the arsenal of the car, you put simultaneously. Oppose to your opposite person by strategy being attached to the defense of the excellent troop, crush. Choose between the leader which turns the tide of fight, owns the technology of the elite. Using the various combinations of the leader and the unit, you it takes precedence style and you play draw up the countless maneuvers which are agreeable to the maneuvers which are personalized.

The · competes using the experience whose Xbox is new, small: It is who, with the online skirmish for the group of contestants which supports up to 6 players of the experience where the excellent commander Xbox is new see. In unique civilization, each one and strategic feature of UNSC or contract and unique attribute choose the fact that it orders. In addition as for technology of ancient harbinger when the unit which is unique because it is dominant fight is drawn up it can find.

Game of maneuvers of start of work of ·: Since starting, hello the food it supplied war to console gamers, in order to come having the genre which in the Xbox 360® is normally done with PC, it was designed clearly. Order easily, manage in the powerful troop, the troop and the believing control the good machine easily, epic sway and engage, and use intuition user interface and expand your empire. Hello as for war just the studio of the strategic gameplay ensemble of prize acquisition and using the controller of Xbox, 360 it can offer the experience of the true next generation who connects the control method of the able man you display.

Edition contents of the collector which is limited

For the first time, contents of edition of the collector to which Microsoft includes below-mentioned ones publicly and is limited are shared:

· 3 it is new, “hello the group of contestants of 3” to be good the map – be 1st 1 where map Pack* with respect to the myth which includes the map whose three is new is experienced, “the assembly”, “orbital” and “the sand box court”

The · hello it fights: It is beautiful the realistic novel of the filling Noto literary work which records first tactics the beginning – vis-a-vis contract. It concentrates in order as for the novel around Sprit of the fire of delegation contract is very an interest in the world of harvest and why to discover

Unique game car of · – departed spirit “of guard of honor”

The leader card of · 6 – as for the leader technology of the elite who can turn the tide of fight is owned

Begin travelling mind of the · of the fire patch – as an official mind of the member of the fire fighter

As an afterthought, we also did a translation into Spanish and back, which naturally mentioned alcohol at least twice.

Not wanting to overhype the upcoming titles as he has in the past (one bench monkey at E3 2005 told me they WEREN’T allowed to tell us anything that wasn’t already hard-coded after the Fable fiasco), Molyneux’s next schizophrenic stab at reclaiming his 80s gaming god status will be called Sandbox. This won’t denote the GTA-style of play he’s always worked with; the game will literally be confined to a sandbox. You’ll be able to toss dirt in your little brother’s hair and crap your pants (a staple of Molyneux games), but building sand castles and using the shovel and pail set aren’t confirmed… I mean, let’s not get too ahead of ourselves, right?

The next one is completely up in the air, but hitting things or putting bullets in them is very likely. Gay sex is a possibility. It’s unknown if Molyneux will drop many exclusive tidbits or if the zeppelin he’s standing under will inflate and fly him away to Candyland, where he’s from.

Sequels have always been part of the industry, and always will be. People like to purchase familiar brand names no matter how badly they suck, which explains EGM’s success, and gaming critics are well known for rating sequels in an abnormally favorable manner, no matter what their personal opinion seems to be on paper. True, sometimes this is justified by a developer taking a strong engine and making it stronger, but just as often Bungie will stick on dual-wielding and shitty physics before patting you on the head and wandering off to the titty bar to count your money. But looking at the slated releases for 2009 and 2010, I think we’re really overdoing it. Here’s a brief list:

Assassin’s Creed 2, Beyond Good & Evil 2, Bionic Commando, BioShock 2: Sea of Dreams, Bumpy Trot 2, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (not to be confused with Dark Forces IV: Jedi Knight III: Jedi Outcast II: Jedi Academy: Fucking Hell), Colin McRae: Dirt 2, Dark Cloud 3, Destroy All Humans 3 or maybe 4, nobody cares, Deus Ex 3, Dynasty Warriors: Gundam 2, F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origin…

You’ll notice I stopped with the F section, and that’s already a hefty chunk of real estate up there. It doesn’t slow down, either. Some of them are welcome sequels to games we thought were dead and forgotten, and it got us thinking here at the RG.

See, we can smell a get rich quick scheme as fast as anybody in the gaming press. It’s the reason 96% is considered an awful score for anything published by Microsoft. And we thought we had the perfect plan to trump everybody, but we found out just how far this rabbit hole goes…

Mike was on the phone to Taiwan, demanding an overnight pressing of 50,000 BioShock 3 t-shirts when I found this report on what’s left of IGN. Apparently they’re not content with having our full attention, they want to bolt us into some Clockwork Orange-style apparatus and keep up there until 2012.

You win this time, Strauss Zelnick. But we’ll have the last laugh when you’re caught walking out of Electronics Boutique: GameStop 2 with a copy of BioShock 7: Desert of Lucid Thoughts clutched in your hot little hands.