It’s okay, Sony. You’re running the field on this and you always have. There’s already a hardware update to the PS3. Microsoft? Apparently they can’t update their rudimentary design banged out on leftover Sears hardware without fucking up their compatibility worse. Stop being an infobitch and you’ll be back on top, Sony.

Speaking of Shack News, two tidbits I noticed on a cursory glance. LA Noire has emerged after four fucking years, dumbed down to go multi-platform and not looking good for the time they’ve taken. More interestingly, the incredibly incomplete Command & Conquer: Tiberian Sun was released for free with the Firestorm expansion. I’d link to Fileplanet except I’m sure you could find a more secure torrent. Really worth it for people who love strategy games or who want to see James Earl Jones acting racist.

Hey kids, remember how Nintendo stated that the DS was not going to replace the GameBoy Advance line and that you’d continue to see releases for the GBA? Well they’re not replacing the DS with DSi in the same exact fashion. Fortunately, most of you think Nintendo’s shit tastes like candy, so this isn’t likely to cause much consternation when that particular turd drops straight onto the area between your left eye and your nose.

Dear customers: This is Little Tokyo, not Look Like a Dickville. Please refrain from wearing Naruto headbands or carrying wooden katanas. While we’re at it, don’t wear those “Looking for a Japanese girlfriend” t-shirts unless you’re actually Japanese and into the irony. Any one of these things makes me find more than I already have in an attempt to not speak to you or make eye contact. And I have more than enough work to do without committing another two sins in my brain.

Seriously, what the fuck.

He did something I couldn’t see. There was a loud crack and I didn’t feel any physical sensation for about four days. Thanks to my father’s Irish sense of health care (if the skin’s not broken, it’s not worth the hospital bill) I didn’t know exactly what for about a decade and some change.

So my love for the “strategy RPG” or “tactical RPG” or “real time combat” game that is Valkyria Chronicles on the PS3 is pretty notable. Despite the general lack of agreement on what compound genre it is or, in the case of “real time combat” Sega’s misunderstanding about their own product, it’s a solid game that takes the concept of fun, kneads it into a beachball, and pops it right over the net at you.

First off, let’s stare at a screenshot intently:

Okay, I’m not a big, syphilitic anime dorkus, but this screen brings me joy for associated reasons. Sure, the cross-shading is nice, but if I compliment it then I have to say nice things -albeit how indirect- about Afro Samurai. But let me show you where the most awesome part of this screenshot is:

See that? It’s color. Holy crap, it’s so much color! Even the outside edge, rendered in monochrome, is a nice artistic touch. The only real loser here is the IGN logo, denoting their grey little souls.

For a fantasy alternate World War II game, Valkyria Chronicles manages to use the full spectrum of color in most every scene and still retain a reasonably authentic “war is hell” feeling. Compare that to this screenshot I took of Wolfenstein that didn’t make the cut for our previous review:

It doesn’t hurt that this is all attached to a super-fun game. Give it a couple of missions to draw you in, and welcome yourself to your new addiction. Valkyria seems a bit trifling from the demo and the first couple of missions, but it’ll soon start upping the ante until you think it can’t push you any further. And then it does. And you think NOW you’ve passed through the gauntlet. And then it tosses you another screwball. And it does this at least five more times until you’ve hit the end of the game. You’ll have to keep learning and adapt your strategies to some insane situations.

It’s all played out in a tactical shooter that’s about as real-time as an iceburg, despite the term “real time” being on the back of the box twice. Yes, there are some elements that demand your immediate attention; during your movement phase, being in range of any enemy units will result in real-time suppressing fire that keeps you from rushing past footsoldiers. Fail to kill an enemy at the end of your move? Most units get a reflex shot. Think carefully, and think fast.

Half the battle is spent planning your moves on an overhead map, and specific attacks pause to allow your character to attack. This is not real time, but if it were this would be another damn shooter with a very confusing interface. The mish-mash is unfamiliar, and seems a bit absurd at first, but it’s incredibly rewarding to figure out.

Successful battles reward you in experience points and money, which allows you to enhance your character in several ways. Experience points can be used to level up your different soldier classes -every soldier in the respective class levels up- and money can be spent on tank upgrades and even side missions.

All this is wrapped up in a rather unconventional war plot with large doses of fantasy, the appropriate levels of drama, and even a few really big plot twists. A lot of predictable ones, yes, but also some surprising reversals of expectation here and there. The story compliments the gameplay extremely well.

I’m not the only one who likes the game, according to how easy it is to accidentally find Selvara porn when Google’s SafeSearch is off.

I can’t gripe much. Reflex shots seem kind of gimpy at first, until you realize they keep people from exploiting the game engine. My only other complaint was how the game gives you a better rating, and thus more money and experience, for completing the mission in the fewest turns. Doesn’t really promote the best strategy. Then again, completing a map with skill and speed is a good barometer for a successful player, and also Mike glares at me whenever I criticize something he likes, even if it deserves it.

With all this and even a couple of extra treats for a second playthrough, including carrying over your experience and upgrades, there’s little reason not to own this game. Download the demo, play it a few times, and see for yourself.

But a source inside the industry has let this tidbit drop, associated with the typical proviso that the facts can only be followed by speculation; At a recent summit, Sony dropped their price-down bomb. Nintendo immediately pulled their reps, and Microsoft pulled at least one shortly thereafter.

The most likely outcome? Cheaper Wiis. With Nintendo issuing their first half-next gen pricedown (the mediocre brain craze cash-in Big Brain Academy Wii Degree. Note the two-year-old Mario games are still $50) this may become reality. Microsoft? As Mike repeatedly points out between bouts of pumping mini-kegs, their philosophy seems to be “Get Sony”, so we’ll see what happens there.

Another bit of news that our contact dropped that might not be public yet and I’m too lazy to check otherwise; the upcoming Wii Fit Plus has all the content from the original game on its disc, locked. To unlock? Apparently it involves inserting the original Wii Fit disc. So rent it or borrow it from a friend and you have two games worth of content.

This just in; Fuck you fancy postwhore blogsites, we had it here first.

And while I’m at it, the Castlevania fighter on the Wii was originally going to be yet another installment in the stellar Metroidvania tradition of the series until a budget slash. There. I’ve been sitting on that one for for-fucking-ever.

Fortunately, FEMA is paying the damages this time, but I’ve been fitted with special moon boots that keep me from traveling two miles in any direction. It’s some kind of experimental technology that turns you around and marches you right back about fifty feet, as an alternative to electrocution. Unfortunately the barrier on the east side of Little Tokyo is right on the other side of an intersection, meaning I was forced to goosestep back through traffic. Fortunately these things also seem to be made of some kind of high grade metal that can survive impacts from a Mini Cooper at 65mph, at least. I’ve also been ordered to take notes.

I can’t say too much about InFamous on grounds of liking it too much. It’s the mutant love child of Spider-Man 2 (without the crap combat), Star Wars: Force Unleashed (without the crap combat), and Assassin’s Creed (without the crap… crap). Free-running is the new darling semen-drenched It Girl of gaming, it’s fantastic to ride the train tracks… by electro-zipping along them on your feet… while calling hellstorms down to vanquish enemies, mailboxes, and anybody too stupid to stay inside.

Sure, there are problems. As with all free-roamers it can get repetitive, though this is fairly well mollified by a well-paced introduction of new powers. Sure, it can get a bit tetchy with the free-running; you’ll be catching ledges when you want to sail clear to the ground, or magically miss a ledge and sail face-first into the neighboring building… though this is also an exception.

Fact is, I can’t recommend many sixty dollar games as purchases these days, on account of being a horrible asshole in the service of the greater good. And anything related to superheroes tends to remind me of the time when I tried flying off the roof with my superman cape. Which was last week. To be fair, Mike pushed me. BUT. This is worth it.