• Consumer goes to:  www.xbox.com/eliterebate/

• Consumer gets a code from above site and then clicks on the Young America Link to go to the password protected rebate form site

• Consumer Enters Young America Site and enters all of their information

• Consumer prints out their Rebate form

• Consumer sends in their rebate form,  original UPC from the box and a copy of your sales receipt

• Consumer gets their rebate sent to them 6-8 weeks after

The e-mail didn’t mention the part where you have to place a video conference call to the team’s executive staff and make a convincing case about how Aaron Greenberg’s ass doesn’t look THAT big in those pants, or how important racial epithets are for online play, but did reveal how Microsoft was advertising: Not a goddamn bit.

Stores are encouraged to create their own signage advertising your upcoming longterm commitment between you and the red flag on your mailbox. Just like Microsoft’s previous special offer of a free hard drive for Core and Arcade users getting dicked by overlarge updates, this rebate is being conveyed via a dull whisper through an intermediary.

And before you reach for your receipt, let me share what makes this truly special (needs): “Valid for new Xbox 360 Elite purchases made September 22, 2009 through October 5, 2009.” So this applies to systems purchased in a 13 day timeframe.

Somebody has to step up to the bat here and do something stupid to help Microsoft’s recent marketing cankers look less stupid. Maybe Sony can offer five dollars off their upcoming 250GB model PS3 in exchange for taking a crack at the customer’s bare ass with a wooden bat. Free anal might also work.

But a source inside the industry has let this tidbit drop, associated with the typical proviso that the facts can only be followed by speculation; At a recent summit, Sony dropped their price-down bomb. Nintendo immediately pulled their reps, and Microsoft pulled at least one shortly thereafter.

The most likely outcome? Cheaper Wiis. With Nintendo issuing their first half-next gen pricedown (the mediocre brain craze cash-in Big Brain Academy Wii Degree. Note the two-year-old Mario games are still $50) this may become reality. Microsoft? As Mike repeatedly points out between bouts of pumping mini-kegs, their philosophy seems to be “Get Sony”, so we’ll see what happens there.

Another bit of news that our contact dropped that might not be public yet and I’m too lazy to check otherwise; the upcoming Wii Fit Plus has all the content from the original game on its disc, locked. To unlock? Apparently it involves inserting the original Wii Fit disc. So rent it or borrow it from a friend and you have two games worth of content.

This just in; Fuck you fancy postwhore blogsites, we had it here first.

And while I’m at it, the Castlevania fighter on the Wii was originally going to be yet another installment in the stellar Metroidvania tradition of the series until a budget slash. There. I’ve been sitting on that one for for-fucking-ever.

Playing God Hand is like strapping your face to a bottle rocket and then aiming it at your neighbor’s cat, with the same net result. This game is simply one of the greatest things ever pressed to any kind of game-related media, ever. I can’t stress this enough; the only thing that would make this game better is if it came with a voluptuous redhead, who in turn came with an unending supply of hot nacho cheese.

Some of you may have passed on the game based on IGN’s low score of 3/10. You may think it was rather visionary of this website to grant that score as well as Imagine: Party Babyz 7/10, or maybe it’s some Andy Kaufman-like prank, but I’m going to tell you the truth: Reviewer Chris Roper is so stupid that his family has to impale a rubber ball on the end of his eating utensils. Sure, it ruins the purpose of a fork to completely block it off, but he enjoys waving it around and he doesn’t even know how to use one in the first place so there’s no harm done.

The bottom line is, if you love brawlers and you don’t mind a fuckfuckcrapouch hard game, you really need to buy God Hand immediately. I’m never going to say that my opinion is absolutely correct… except right now. And when I’m verbally abusing Chris Roper, but that’ll be fairly evident once you see the end credits, which should earn the game 9/10 all on its own:

Keep in mind that the game is truly hard, and do not fucking think I’m kidding you in the least. It’s one of the hardest games to come out of the industry in years. Between bouts of making Chris Roper cry like a little bitch who just lost his Go-Bots Trapper Keeper, God Hand scoffs at people who consider Ninja Gaiden a challenge -or even fun- before headbutting the entire universe into submission. Just because it can. The game is possibly a conspiracy to sell more Dual Shock controllers from the intense button pounding both you and your poor, godforsaken fingers will endure.

It’s worth it. Beneath God Hand’s kitchy premise and simple controls lies a depth of theme and gameplay that seldom falls out of the sore hole of the mighty game development anus. You want exploits? They were programmed in on purpose. You want virtually every in-joke at gaming, Capcom, and the brawler genre? Barrels will explode when thrown, demons will be beaten into submission via wrestling holds, and Honda minivans will be beaten with your bare fists during bonus rounds. Hell, the game starts with a splash screen announcing (falsely) that this game, much like Capcom’s Resident Evil series, features scenes of explicit violence and gore.

Serious business, that.

And then the game feels free to drop the subtlety (okay, comparatively) and have our hero announce “At last, a boss fight!” upon seeing the first big fatty, a Cuban demon named Elvis. You have to hear his fight music before you judge this game.

I’m not talking to you, Roper. No way in hell will you ever get that far, it’s an entire twenty minutes into the game. I might recommend Lemonade Stand on the Apple IIe, that might have had an Easy mode. But if not, you’re FUCKED. There’s rainy days and all kinds of hard shit like that.

I haven’t even written a proper review. And you know what, I don’t have to. This is the first in a two week series of reviews designed to kick my own ass into creating content so you drones will save my ad box from deletion so I can keep making forty-six cents every month. Also, if you don’t buy or go out and rent God Hand, you don’t need to be reading this site anyway. It’s twenty dollars, you sissy.

Also, today we learned that IGN’s hiring process probably involves one question, and that question is “Do you hate games?”

I leave you with this dramatization of Chris Roper attempting to play God Hand.

Good night and good luck.

In addition, Nintendo’s ploy to make sure nobody else ever has a solid hit on the Wii by blocking Sega’s attempted bundling of Samba de Amigo with free maracas has worked; The game is ALREADY $19.99. Nintendo knows the power of gimmickry better than anyone else, living or dead, and what looked like a surefire hit revitalization of a Dreamcast classic has pretty much flopped.

Enjoy your next Mario and Call of Duty games. We’re going to be in Thailand, gambling on the next big bloodsport.

As usual, clicking the box art takes you to the product page.

NFL Head Coach 09 has proven so popular that it dropped twenty bucks to $29.99.

Follow the box art to the full monte.

A lot of 360 games are going out of print, including notables like Beautiful Katamari and Blue Dragon.