“However, as in real life, drug use leads to consequences such as addiction, blackouts, and loss of health and reputation points”

Nice background. Your cover art skills are matched only by the recent cherry bombs you’ve dropped down the gaming toilet. Here’s hoping you didn’t switch to the DirectX code base for this one.

That person has been taking it out on the world ever since.

For those angered by this blatant attempt to shirk reviewing duties, here is your small apology.

Developers, you are not as funny as you think. And this goes for those of you across the sea as well, I’m not indulging in the same “Japan is better for gaming” bullshit that most journalists like to take. If you put in a joke quest where I have to retrieve some old lady’s underwear, it better not be completely fucking impossible to find. It just amplifies the suckage your game is pouring directly into my eyeballs like fresh goddamn coffee.

Of course, Google is loaning out the usual insipid hilarity that comes with any trip into our cyberspace prototype. I can’t find a walkthrough that tells where the stupid underwear is, and one preview article with the hee-larious tagline “Where’d that old lady put her underwear? No seriously, it’s for a quest.” has been subjected to the typical ctrl-c, ctrl-v reporting that the internet professionals are known for. In other words, this article that describes finding underwear in a building (which is completely unhelpful) repeats 30 times in a brilliant repeat of the quest itself before we get to the usual light porn and flaming stupid forum chatter.

Here are the highlights:

Tomb Raider: Underwear
Boxer briefs go bushido with Samurai Underwear: each design is named after famous…
Narwhal has a couple of jokes about underwear and bodily functions
used heroin needles, used hookers, used underwear, used parachutes, used soap
…. with a white shipmate suit and blue underwear (I know her underwear is blue because you …

I still haven’t found the thing. This quest is dragging this game down to bullshit levels.

“…when Carmack was 14, he broke into a school to steal Apple II computers, was arrested, and sent for psychiatric evaluation (the report mentions “no empathy for other human beings“)

Let me just be the first to say this; Carmack? I love you in a totally heterosexual way. Any perceived slams in that review were really against the tards at Raven. In absolutely no way do Mike and I support the idea of us getting stabbed in the neck during the next E3 when you sneak up behind us while we ogle the latest Duke Nukem screenshots from 2003, assuming somebody picks it up.

I think George Broussard was making fun of one of the many games you finished while he was hosting barbeques and bragging about it on Twitter, though. And Cliffy B.’s probably coming after you when he’s done making good on his threat to kick Jace Hall’s ass for accidentally leaking his phone number on Hall’s muscular show. Of course, it’ll take him a while to recover, seeing as kicking Jason Hall’s ass would consist of Cliffy punching him in his ab muscles, which are so muscular they each have their own little muscular abs, and then saying “Owwwwww!” and sucking at his knuckles before trying again. Hall would just stand there with his fists on his hips, secure in the knowledge that he only had to stop holding his breath to put his diminutive assailent in the hospital.

I’m not saying you should go neck stab them, John. I’m just saying, they’re more important than us… well, Cliffy is… and you should definitely have your priorities straight come next May.

Will this limited edition doll of John Carmack comemmorating the release of Doom 3 be used as evidence in a court of law? We hope not.

Go ahead, laugh. That’s the makers of Hudson’s Adventure Island and Hudson’s Adventure Island 2 feeling the effects of staying on the fringes of game development for too long, and the whole website that isn’t banner ads or menus is composed of these errors at the moment. What next, will a beloved NES icon be updated by some shithead loudmouth at Tecmo? WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END?

Just in time for Nissei Week, somebody has celebrated the excess wealth that America uses wisely and purchased a rare Nintendo cartridge, formerly used for some bullshit contest that loosely imitated the Fred Savage/Whatsername flick, The Wizard. Going at a whopping $17,500, it just proves that rare cartridges are the new level 60 Dark Elf Mage. Mike and I have leapt firmly on the bandwagon by offering these rarities:

Dragon Warrior – New in box! – Market rate… see below

History can be yours, my friend! Like that other dork selling brand new, possibly rewrapped complete-in-box games, we’ll be happy to gouge the shit out of you for this extremely common game! Purposefully rewrapped after our employees kept fumbling the box open with their fat, chip-greased fingers to see the map and cartridge in the original loose wrap! Now, how much is this baby worth? One hundred? TWO!? Maybe a few thousand, because no fee is too high for the attorneys who aquit Mike of whatever foam-laden assault he’s committed on a game developer. MOVE NOW BEFORE HE STRIKES AGAIN!

Mostly-full bottle of “Pink Marshmallow” flavor scent bottle – $300

A real piece of Reflex Gamer history! Given to us by the crazy white woman who runs a store made up of random goddamn Japanese words because “something’s missing”, this bottle was once thrown at Vance’s head by Mike, who was exasperated by the fact that Vance had gone on for about two hours making comparisons between Shenmue and a dog that was about to be destroyed by the county. Still contains a piece of scalf and authentic part-Caucasian hair.

Collection of nice things industry figures have said about the 360 – KOTAKU ONLY – $500

You’re just one post short of that sweet spot 60 posts in the last 24 hours, but you’re out of nice things to say about Halo soundtracks (”gamers are in for a real treat!”) and it’s a slow news day. You have minutes to go… maybe something about how Epic is full of sex gods and coding genius… no, did that three hours ago… Well we have your answer! Representing literally hundreds of man hours in scouring the internet for developers hinting that they’d like more investing from Microsoft, we have everything from Cliffy B’s factless enthusing over the 360 controller to the PERFECT passive-aggressive retort when Cheap Ass Gamer fakes your rumor mongering asses out again.

Laptop hard drive with a lot of PS3 save games – $5,000

Can’t be bothered to go over the back catalog now that you’ve discovered how much porn 160 gigs will store? Look no further, we put our employee Dillon to work cataloging and saving games with complete cutscene unlocks and special items. Highlights include MGS4 saves with nearly all weapons and only a smidge of work necessary to afford the bandana! Valkyria Chronicles saves of each chapter up until 14 so you can play each individual mission with expert load-outs! Oblivion GOTY save seems to feature a semi-naked, red-haired female Nord named “Juicy Peach Pal”. We have to talk to Dillon about this one.

Mike – $200,000 OBO

Available in either the “an evening with” or forced labor styles, Mike is simply a bargain. As a healthy if oft-inebriated white male in excellent physical condition, his valuation on the black market is considered prime, with a notation that his stock was raised significantly due to decline during World War II. Intelligent conversation or a minimum of complaints about shackles guaranteed.

Comic Shop Guy quote of the day: “ALL Pokemon are sexy”. With a straight face.

Stupid expo rats of the day: Asking if we had Final Fantasy VI on the DS and then talking down at us when we told them it didn’t exist. If you’re going to act like a dripping cocksnot, don’t be dressed up as Pikachu and don’t be a pimply dweeb girl. It just makes you look like something that should be put down at the vet.

I have to stop and eat some humble pie here. Not only has Gamespot become so popular that it is now pulling users from some alternate dimension where Shenmue Online was released, but the game also has more users than I had anticipated.