VANCE: You’re improving, according to most people and myself. In the words of one imdb jockey, “Now we only have like…3, 428, 333, 749, 000, 168 more movies to go before he’s decent. ” First, how many times should this user be punched in the face? Second, give us your own opinions on your growth as a filmmaker. Where are you going to be in ten years?

Well, it finally happened. Mike and I are about to be huge in Germany. I’ve been brushing up on my Deutsch so that I don’t get beaten up for my shitty attempts at repeating three words like Dale Nardozzi. Mike has recorded the first hip-hop rendition of Hava Nagila in anticipation of being Germany’s first smash hit Jew recording artist.

If you’re wondering what the hell I’m talking about, it’s our recent interview with Uwe Boll, maker of semi-fine to not-at-all-fine films and future absolutely-fine films, which is sure to catapult us to the stuff of legends in his native Germany. It was surprisingly easy to secure the interview; After listening to Lowtax’s girly whining about how Boll is so horrible and unfair, we were expecting at least two threats to make us eat shit on German national television. Instead, he graciously agreed to an interview and answered all our questions, even when I got horribly annoying.

AMERICAN MCGEE’S UWE BOLL: THE INTERVIEW

VANCE: There’s a lot of talk about the infamous German tax shelter. Your Wikipedia entry claims you admitted to this in the Alone in the Dark commentary track. Recently, I believe I saw an interview where you said the tax loophole was closed. This has led to a lot of speculation that you created horrible movies on purpose for some kind of Producers-esque scam, even though the tax shelter was meant to stimulate German entertainment companies. Your input?

UWE BOLL: End of 2005 the German tax funds closed and were not allowed anymore. Also before every film, tax funds wer not created to lose money – they all wanted to make money but got screwed over by Hollywood’s fake accounting and thief mentality. My funds were the most successful funds in the market because I made and distributed my movies on my own. Basically investors got 50% of their investments back as tax saving – but could always lose the other 50%. So the Wikipedia article is bullshit. After 2005 I was able to finance my movies in a normal way with presales, loans, equity, deferrals  …. I made almost ten movies after 2005 so if my movies were all financial mistakes – how i could make another 10 movies?

VANCE: Were video game movies a way to get an immediate audience, or infamy, or do you really like them that much?

UWE BOLL: HOUSE OF THE DEAD is my most profitable movie till today – so I kept going with videogame adaptions.

VANCE: Your earlier, non-game movies are not so well-known in the States. What should we know about them?

UWE BOLL: GERMAN FRIED MOVIE is a comedy like POSTAL in trash. BARSCHEL – MURDER IN GENEVA is a semi-documentary. AMOKLAUF a very hard depressing serial murder movie and FIRST SEMESTER a student comedy.   My BOLL COLLECTION you can buy on Amazon or directly at BOLL AG    … there are all my German movies on DVDs.

VANCE: You seem to be moving away from video game movies. Are you done with them?

UWE BOLL: No. I do next BLOODRAYNE 3. I will mix it up in the future.

VANCE: The imdb lists Hitman as your favorite game. So the film: What would you have done differently?

UWE BOLL: I’d have Jason Statham doing it.  The HITMAN movie was not so bad.

VANCE: Make a God Hand flick. It’s so over the top that it works for you. It’s like a Bruce Lee flick and The Three Stooges had one messed up child under suspicious circumstances. Pretty please? I’d settle for a Serious Sam movie, even though there’s no face-punching like in God Hand.

UWE BOLL: You should do this.

VANCE: I think I just got NO U’d by Uwe Boll, which is pretty awesome. Okay, what is your dream project?

UWE BOLL: UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,  my movie about social welfare.

VANCE: Okay, I’m really interested in this. Without going on a ten page rant, I think it’s one of the most important issues we’re facing in this country, in an age of Swiss bank accounts and an increasingly insane wealth divide which are just gonna make things worse. Ironically, imdb.com feels I’m some kind of dirty plebian and won’t let me see information on the movie unless I pay them. And to top it all off, this is a drama. What inspired you to make this film?

UWE BOLL: The situation: how fast can everybody fall through the social net. You get ill, you get old, your pension funds goes bankrupt and then?

VANCE: Top five directors to punch in the face/top five directors you’d raise a stein with.

UWE BOLL: I like Scorsese, Oliver Stone, Tarantino, Woody Allen…..

VANCE: Hypothetical situation: Michael Bay is bobbing up and down in a pool of boiling shit. What set of circumstances led to this?

UWE BOLL: His second floor waterbed exploded and crashed all the way down into the basement…

VANCE: Whoa now, back up. I’m a bit confused. Is Michael Bay’s basement a pool of boiling shit, or does he in fact sleep on a waterbed filled with the stuff? Your implication is that either Bay really is the devil, or he’s just a major freak. Bonus points: Are you anywhere nearby holding a pin?

UWE BOLL: I think he has a normal waterbed but by accident in my fiction it  crashed through the ceiling and into the basement where the pipes are with the shit… etc… but of course its all fiction. I like Michael Bay… he is a great guy.

VANCE: So you’ve boxed your critics and baited Michael Bay -famed director of Bad Boys II and Meat Loaf: Bat Out of Hell II Picture Collection- into responding to your taunts. What can you possibly do next? How do you aim any higher?

UWE BOLL: I want to make a movie about Tom Cruise etc. and all the Hollywood retards from SCIENTOLOGY. Its amazing how people can follow the completly idiotic bullshit of a non-successful shitty sci-fi writer L. Ron Hubbard.

VANCE: Oh hell yes. Tell me this is going to be the greatest movie since Postal. I think there’s a law somewhere about how you have to make this film now that you’ve mentioned it. It can be like a buddy cop movie about Cruise and Travolta, except instead of shooting bad guys and cracking one-liners they spend the movie trying to kill Jenna Miscavige Hill and Astra Woodcraft with their force powers that don’t actually exist! Then you and Michael Pare grow to one hundred feet tall to fight Mecha Hubbard. One thing that does make Cruise dangerous, though, is that he’s only three feet and two inches tall, and his body doesn’t use much energy so he can keep coming at you like an incredibly small Terminator. Seriously, that man makes the Koreans look gigantic. Am I far off, here?

UWE BOLL: Yes…….you’re far off.

VANCE: You’re improving, according to most people and myself. In the words of one imdb jockey, “Now we only have like…3, 428, 333, 749, 000, 168 more movies to go before he’s decent. ” First, how many times should this user be punched in the face? Second, give us your own opinions on your growth as a filmmaker. Where are you going to be in ten years?

UWE BOLL: I will be actually the Oscar Host. So I will be really close to fame and stars and money and a suit/tuxedo and drugs and chicks… the playboy mansion…

VANCE: You’ve taken a lot of shit from critics, and given a fair deal back. How do you feel about your relationship with the media at this point?

UWE BOLL: I think the media needs me in front of them… because everybody else is in their asses, licking and kissing.

VANCE: Speaking of the media, was beating up Jeff Sneider rather than Harry Knowles more an ethical concern or an aerodynamic one?

UWE BOLL: Harry Knowles would get a heartattack  if he would climb in a boxing ring.

VANCE: My 90-pound El Salvadorean female friend saw your fight with Lowtax and thinks she’d do a better job than him. Opinion?

UWE BOLL: Absolutely… Even a 5-year-old-child would KO lowtax.