The current terror alert has been lifted, and we’re allowed to update again. Don’t get too excited; None of us really care about this goddamn zine, and the store is in the process of waiting for the sheriff to come and possibly evict us. So far he’s three weeks late. Can’t say I wouldn’t welcome it at this point, we’re losing over a grand a month and somebody actually read our sign as “Ref-lex Gamer”. At least she got the second word right.

Due to some kind of clerical error, we’ve been lumped in with PBS in the government’s twenty-seven million compound eyes. We’re getting the twelve dollars usually alloted to an episode of MisteRogers Neighborhood, but we can’t post most of the pictures on our hard drive and Mike isn’t allowed to call anybody a cunt anymore, which conflicts with the new mandate that we have to include educational content.

Frankly, before the FCC shuts us down and penalizes Jakers! by association, you are cunts. You’re a userbase that made the 360 a success… not wholly undeserved, but there should have been rioting in Washington at the failure rate. You made the first Assassin’s Creed a hit, and you read 1up.com on a regular basis. That we are in an industry with fewer publishers than the norm is no excuse to drink fructose over real fucking sugar. Grow some standards. GROW SOME STANDARDS BEFORE I STRAP SOME TO A RAKE HANDLE AND INSERT THEM INTO YOUR BODY THE HARD WAY.

Here’s how bent the press is right now; I know that Halo ODST is a fantastic game. I know this because it’s said often enough, even though it’s not true. Halo ODST is a terrible game that is exactly like Halo fucking number one, and the industry has produced a lot of shooters that have raised the bar since the year of our lord, 2001, that make Halo an obsolete game. But here’s Bungie, so afraid to alienate a single moronic fan that they won’t even loosen the sluggish turn speed. But hey, they needed a way to keep charging full price for the same fucking game and you cock gobblers were only too happy to oblige.

I know that Halo ODST is a fantastic fucking game, but I didn’t once hear of a wonderful little ad campaign for a so-so GTA-type that starred the man who nearly killed me back in 2000, Gary Busey. If you haven’t seen these, prepare to feel complete: