Okay, I have a killer case of pinkeye in my right eye… feels like it’s about to squeeze out… so I’m going to keep these super brief. Links are in the title.

Cash Cow’s Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (PS3 | 360 | PC)

I had this five days early. Did I review it then? No! I am a stupid man who does not like selling you games. Anyway, I was surprised by how much I liked this game, given the sheer amount of hype. The single player campaign is filled with superb scripting, which it doesn’t forget toward the middle and end of levels like most games. The Call of Duty series has this tendency to go for dramatic scenes where you get knocked on your ass and picked up by another member of your squad… they play to it to extreme absurdity here. Not a chapter goes by where you don’t find yourself tossed on your ass by an explosion and picked up by a screaming Keith David.

The deathmatch mode is surprisingly underwhelming in most cases. Occasional excitement, but easily overshadowed by the extremely entertaining Special Ops missions which will have you and a partner teaming up to take on goal-oriented side missions on maps from the campaign mode. They start off kind of challenging and quickly become raging infernos, akin to being fed through a meat grinder made of rape. Addictive and time-consuming.

This game is pretty much kind of the shooter heap, which is a nifty accomplishment considering the genre fatigue we’re facing. I mean hell, we have a shooter starring Doogie fucking Howser on the market now.

Jade Raymond’s Assassin’s Creed 2 (PS3 | 360 | PC | DS | PSP)

Well look who started fucking listening to peoples’ feedback! For a game that uses the same engine as its sucky predecessor, Assassin’s Creed 2 takes the scalpel and a surgeon’s precision, using it to carve out most of what made the first game an experience in tedium and pausing the game just to jerk off to relieve the intense boredom.

Where to start with that list. Combat, while still clunky, is no longer limited to the mostly-effective counterattack. Dodges, counters, throws, and even (GASP!) regular attacks are now pretty useful. The stealth mechanic has been changed so that jogging is no longer a crime in the old world. The long stretches of pointless landscape have been curtailed. Even the climbing is a bit sped up!

Worth a look, especially if you liked the first game, but not limited to people that dull.

Martin Scorcese’s Grand Theft Auto IV: Episodes of Liberty City (360)

On one hand, I dig that you don’t need Grand Theft Auto IV to play this… judging from the volume of used copies on my trade-in shelf, everybody has long since gotten tired of GTA4. And no wonder, it was rather limited after one playthrough. I also like the fact that they only coddle you for a few missions, ramping up the challenge for veterans. This game can get pretty damn hard, pretty damn quick.

Some of the gameplay mechanics they added don’t feel too tacked-on, either. They blend into the existing gameplay you’re familiar with and compliment it nicely.

But the problem is, like I said, Grand Theft Auto IV just isn’t cutting it anymore. Maybe it’s the gameplay that updated for the next gen but didn’t bother adding anything new. Maybe it’s the fact that there’s a scriptwriter who can’t GET THE FUCK OVER THE RELUCTANT CRIMINAL SCHTICK. Seriously, here’s your next GTA title, Rockstar: Grand Theft Auto: Every Time I Think I’m Out, They Pull Me Back In! Sound familiar?

And lastly, how can you create a game called The Ballad of Gay Tony and NOT have the character play as Gay Tony? You would have been instant Youtube stars with all the mash-ups of the player nailing dudewhores. Instead I’m playing another dick with a permanent scowl. Great.

Remember San Andreas? I do. Get back to it, Rockstar.

Also, no matter how the games get sequentially, radio personality Laslow keeps getting more and more shrill and unfunny. The guy’s real life radio show is pretty damn good, but in-game he’s just losing it.