Dear Sony,

I was excited when I got my shipment of Gran Turismo for the PSP, one week late. I had been reviewing the somewhat stinky Kingdom Hearts for the DS, and tossed the system with such force that it legally destroyed my dog. This was no fey Totilo toss; that DS cannot be repaired.

I was amazed, Sony. I don’t know how you did it, but this game looks great and plays just like a console version. PS3 physics and damn near PS2 graphics.  Just like GT5, I can just about feel the individual wheels dip. I bought my first car, a Mitsubishi 3000GT, and tore into the “challenges”.

They say that if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. If you’re one of the 80-year-old church ladies who likes to say stupid shit like that, stop reading right now.

Who the FUCK told you to ship this game as a barebones engine with no career mode, Sony? Find the idiot who let this out the gate without that and hit him in the face until he complains that the teeth are chafing his anus, because this is absolutely unfor-fucking-giveable. Maybe if this had been titled Gran Turismo Ad Hoc, I’d be okay with it because I’d have known it held no interest for me whatsoever, but you didn’t and I played it and I’m left with the realization that the skinned “Prologue” model is probably the rule from now on and I can forget about the series.

You know how fucked up that is? I hate racing games, and yet I’ve loved GT from the start. The car selection, the attention to detail. The sense of progression, which is now GONE… I should start over.

Okay, the “challenges”. Basically renamed license tests, except that A) they’re not necessary and B) they give you so much money you’d never need a career mode anyway. I finished six challenges, Sony, SIX CHALLENGES, and I had twice as much money as I started the game with. That’s BEFORE I bought the first car. And it’s cumulative! If I get the gold medal, you automatically give me the prize money for all three medals at once.

Here’s my prediction; Everybody is already playing 4-player ad hoc with the bestest car available.

Sony, I need to know. At what point do you decide that it’s okay to charge full price for an engine that forces the player to create the gaming experience? From THREE options. Sure, you crammed every possible track (30, not counting reverse runs), car (over 800), and bit of physics processing the PSP could handle, but I’m no longer proving anything to the game except that I can grind like a natural-born Korean, dying of exposure in service of Starcraft. I’m just inviting three imaginary playmates into three eternally-looping variants.

For fuck’s sake, Sony, I was very accepting of the term “Prologue”, but now you’re just fucking with me. I hate this game so fucking much. I could conceivably hate a Sony product more, but it would have to be called Home.

Yours in Jesus,

Probably Jeff Gerstmann, giantbomb.com