Geoff Keighley, consummate game critic wait that’s not on his profile anymore G4 television producer whore, has taken time out of his busy schedule of writing nice things about himself on his website to taking time out from his busy schedule of writing nice things about himself on Wikipedia to regurgitate a combination of press releases and his own desire to soak up praise from sources other than himself in his Gamefly column. For his best of E3 picks, there’s about one single title that isn’t a sequel or licensed property, and in that case it’s a no-brainer, Brutal Legend.

In his biggest attacks on common sense yet, his glib blob of a paragraph on Arkham Asylum contains three things that raise the hair on the back of my neck; the fact that it’ll change the way I think about comic book-based games, that it contains what’s called “free flow combat”, and the magically gay phrase “Could this be the first-ever Batman game that doesn’t suck? Forgive the harsh sentiment, but it’s true. And that’s part of the reason why I’m so excited about this…”

Okay, back up. One, don’t you fucking presume to know what millions of people think about comic book games. Two, “free flow combat” is mentioned in such a way that the awesome being made of pure light rendered in dim colors so as all you lesser beings can comprehend it on your own terms, Geoff “Stupid” Keighley, can’t quite seem to understand what it means or thinks that a company’s buzzphrase is that awesome. It’s not. Arkham Asylum’s combat system seems pretty fucking cool, but it’s the next gen touch on brawlers that Call of Duty 4 was for shooters. It’s an enhancement, and it looks like it’ll rock. Calling it Web 2.0 just makes you look like Chunk claiming Michael Jackson once used his bathroom, though.

Third, fuck you. Keighley’s awesome historical prowess seems to have missed two excellent Batman games; The NES outing, a balls-hard platformer based on the Keaton/Nicholson movie, and the SNES’s sublime game based on the Animated Series. Instead, Keighley plunges straight into hyperbole about why you should be faggily glad that WB is blessing you with a golden shower of the first definitively awesome Batman game… EVER!

I’m not sure how this other Batman game is, but the sounds of the chubby little Dark Detective pattering around the perfectly isometric batcave is pretty soothing in the background while I go do other things:

This is the kind of jackhole who tailors his reviews to be quotable on game boxes, and this is the secret to his success; mutual ass-kissing. The makers of Burnout Paradise knew this, and puckered right up for him in hopes of an award IN MY FUCKING LOADING SCREEN KILL ME YOU FUCKS

Okay, fine. We’re tired of scratching by on five cents a day from our ad server. You know what? We can attach ourselves to some developer’s pale, flabby, expansive underside in search of recognition. It’s gotta be somebody with clout, but kind of on the down and out…. Hey Sega! Resonance of Fate; Looking SEXY, babe!

Special thanks to Zara for calling my attention to the MSX Batman game.