Let’s just get this bullshit over with, daddy’s got a migraine the size of a great dane.

Sacred 2

What the FUCK? Did somebody’s college project to put Diablo in 3D, except shitty, get a next gen facelift? Kill five bandits, take this to that dude down the road, slowly insert sword into enemy and possibly miss. This is what Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance would be if you added about fifteen ascii dicks to the code base.

Put another way, I played about eight minutes while drunk, turned it off, tried the next day sober and only lasted another two. Maybe the multiplayer makes it worth it, I don’t care.

Dynasty Warriors Gundam 2

Dynasty Warriors with Gay Pride robots instead of ancient Chinese longbeards, and a lot slower. The first mission has you fighting as you descend through an atmosphere. Sounds awesome… then you discover it’s the same fucking thing as the last game, only they were too lazy to design a ground. They add one for subsequent missions, as well as annoying goddamn boss fights that have you nickel-and-diming some giant Voltron-ripoff’s life bar for fifteen minutes before he wipes you out and you have to start over. Fun? You betcha, right between your visit to the dominatrix and accidently suffocating yourself in the closet with a bungee cord around your cock.

Pass. And I LIKE the regular Dynasty Warriors games.

PS: How do so many people fuck up games about giant robots and ninjas? And what happens if we put the two together?

Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Another Goddamn Grey Cube

I have lost all point of reference. I can’t tell if the Riddick games are merely so-so or if they have a low level of suckitude. I mean, what the hell compells developers to send us through at least a  dozen sewers and eighty vent shafts? Tenchu didn’t have those and it was prime stealth action once upon a time. Better yet, we’re getting a shipment of brand new We Love Katamari, which presumably takes place above sewers that the Japanese devs were polite enough not to make me explore.

Still, I finished this and the “remastered” Escape From Butcher Bay that’s included on the disc, so maybe it’s actually good. Certainly it’s interesting at points, when it’s not being utterly predictable (oh look, the woman is being hopeful! Who’s gonna shoot her in the back? Who’s gonna… THE BLACK DUDE!… I am not making this up, I called that one as it occured). And most of the time, Riddick is some kind of Marty Stu self-insertion fanfic for Vin Diesel, who takes a sci-fi backdrop and uses it to deliver glib one-liners as he murders people.

If you’re a fan, go for it.

This is basically the entire game. I played through both parts and I’m still not sure what the enemies look like.

Bionic Commando

Mike tells me that the 360/PS3 downloadable, Bionic Commando Rearmed, was supposed to whet our appetite for this game. They should have made Rearmed about ten times shittier if that was the aim. The crappy combat system and extreme linearity make this a near combination of Time Crisis and Spider-Man 2: Lite Edition. It’s nice and colorful… for another damn demolished city (must be the new sewer of gaming), and it’s animated fairly well. But gothing up a character that used to look like Weird Al and punishing you relentlessly for the slightest mistake is not fun.

I tried to play through this game. Really I did. But the sparse checkpoints make it even more frustrating, and at one point I played for fifteen minutes, killed myself to go back and get an item I missed, and started way back at the old checkpoint. Wow.

It’s not like I expected much, after listening to one of the devs take the question of picking up the NES games storyline seriously (for fuck’s sake, you pick up moon boots and keycards and you blow up Hitler’s face! That’s the story!), but congrats to Bionic Commando for actually falling short of my expectations. Just like how this guy falls short of my expectations for how a face should look:

What the hell? Striking out at too many goth clubs?

I should justify my mention of how insanely linear the game is. Big bilious blue clouds of radiation on either side of the intended path. Might as well add a German Shepherd that bites me in the thigh if I go the wrong direction, assholes. This is not 1992, and there is no good excuse for this shit.