Mike showed up at the store the other day. I wasn’t sure if he was in jail again or if I had accidentally sold him into white slavery again, but either way it was about time to start fishing through the bin of get well cards that confused old people accidentally send to the store. I was ready to send off the Toys R Us card that commemorated some Asian baby’s second birthday, but then I remembered that I might want something from there. I was about to choose a suitable replacement from the Over 50 section when he walked in the door. It turns out he just doesn’t work the counter anymore, and gave two week’s notice. As in two weeks after the fact.

So at least everything is okay there, and I can get back to telling him to write a damn review of Retro Game Challenge before I do, because by god I’ll insult it up and down despite the fact that I quite enjoyed it.

But updates are slow. I am not a professional reviewer or newshound, unlike the sex gods at Kotaku: The Gamer’s Guide to Being a Passive-Aggressive Sony Basher. And I realized that my memory cards look like the result of a developer gangrape, so I’m trying to play one game at a time through to completion. Since the last really interesting tidbit out of the gaming industry happened around 1998 and I don’t want this zine to turn into a link dump, this means I’m at a bit of a loss as to what to post. So here, be distracted by pictures of our new shop dog:

And I guess there is one somewhat timely review:

CHRIS REDFIELD DOES NOT CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE

Much has been made of the content of Resident Evil 5 and how racist or not racist it is. As Yahtzee points out in his own review, it makes no sense for regionally appropriate skin tone to be anything other than raci… wait, that his review of Uncharted, where he took the game to task for perceived racism in the same exact way he defended RE5 from the same claim. I guess he knows which part of the tropics are inhabited by something other than Haitians. Fucking hypocrite.

Anyway, screw this discussion. You go into some histrionic fit if you want to, it’s not like the entire world is populated by an unlimited number of white people for you to shoot at.

The real offense in RE5 is that the main character still steers like a goddamn tank. Thankfully it’s some tiny, sexy, sterile white tank that Toyota rolled out in another robotics demo. One that zooms around and spins and plays the violin and shares its collection of upskirt photos instead of the early Resident Evil Panzers that lumbered around like vaguely mobile zombie chew toys. But the fact is, I think we’re in for at least two more direct sequels and three gaiden games before we see a major overhaul of the series. Beyond the massively enhanced graphics, this is merely a retuning of RE4.

A good retuning, and definitely worthwhile, but even the limited plots seem to have slowed down. Observe:

Bad guy in oversized rain coat: RE4, RE5.

Smarter, faster, non-zombie enemies: RE4, RE5.

Big, lumbering motherfucker with a heavy melee weapon and some kind of bag over his head: RE4, RE5, Silent Hill

Oh snap! Uncle Jimmy, is that you?

Defending a house from an invasion, complete with barricades: RE4, RE5.

So yeah, it’s all a bit familiar. Fortunately, it’s a really fun kind of familiar, but you have to wonder if the artists were the only ones getting paid for this effort.

First off, the graphics. Like every damn major title that comes down the chute these days, the graphics are top notch. They’re not pushing the envelope like Devil May Cry or Metal Gear Solid, but they easily hold their own against those names. The real charm is the varied artwork that goes into the buildings and scenery, especially (as always) early on in the game. A lot of attention is paid to making each building stand out in some way. Even when they can’t radically alter the building materials, the construction, wear and tear, and feel of each little shop and shanty is its own little island. This is what games have been needing to do, have done to some degree or the other, but haven’t quite nailed down. RE5 shines in the details such as this.

Character models are also solid, but in the antithesis of the architecture, they are very repetitive. Three chapters in and I was very familiar with all the basic enemies, having murdered somebody who looked like Saddam Hussein about three dozen times.

Another nice amount of detail is the extras. If you ever thought Resident Evil should be more like Shenmue, except without the 98% of the game that’s pure crap, you’re in luck; collectible capsule toys. Not so much in-game as it is something you can spend your accumulated points on in-between levels. Meet certain requirements and unlockable models of all the characters from the game become available for purchase. Likewise, extra costumes, graphic filters, and other secrets.

As if that weren’t enough, RE5 offers a lot of in-game customization of weapons. In the most unexpected twist, and thankfully for pussies like me who find the games rather difficult, you can optionally replay earlier levels to grind for ammunition, money, and healing items. It can make the game too easy for obsessive-compulsives and Starcraft fans, so the game caps the level of weapon customization comparative to your progress.

Stop shootin’ at me, honky!

Those of you who were around for RE4 are familiar with the nuts and bolts of RE5. The analog control and shoot/slash/context sensitive nature of combat is the same, tightened a bit for more hectic gameplay, and cranked up to 11. Chris and the interchangeable Jill Valentine replacement with the cleavage are equipped with a variety of monster-bashing melee moves that can be unleashed, seemingly at random (the manual might explain it, if you’re that damn girly), and with some crazy level of effectiveness that your bullets can’t seem to match. The selection of hardware also seems to be greatly improved this time around, and a lot more guns and other volatile toys are there to be found.

The monsters get more and more grotesque and challenging as you advance, with a few unique surprises waiting.

It’s a worthwhile game. I hope they get a bit more daring at times other than when the series is years past stale, but for now the revamped formula seems to be more than worth another visit.