Not that it matters, but all of what follows is true.

Right, confession. I’m not a fighting game fan. Roughly 5% of you just shrieked like a cheerleader seeing her first dick and the rest of you said “Gee, welcome to the family.” All of you will wonder what the fuck I was smoking when I tell you that I waited in line for two hours to get into some damn Capcom event before giving up and taking store security employee Turtle to the bar where the classic Japanese tough guy with the pompadour doesn’t card you. The answer is nothing, which is sad because abusing narcotics might have helped my mood. Turtle’s mood was extremely poor as he had come to the event in lieu of his usual Lesbian Night at the local club, so it was worse when I called him two hours later and told him what happened after he left:

Two event-goers had seen my store on the way there. So, as I was dropping off the flyers we had intended to spread at the Street Fighter IV party and getting ready to go home, a PS3 copy of the game was pressed against my window and an unfamiliar voice said “You want to play a few rounds?”

One hour later I had a better appreciation of what people can do with 3D animation these days. The game looks GOOD in a way that can’t even be expressed with an isolated instance of all caps. The animation looks like something Don Bluth wets his Dragon’s Lair bedsheets over. I selected one of the new characters (the four new guys are conveniently located in their own loser bracket) and he turned out to be a jiggling fatty who was just so. Damn. Beautiful. I’m not gay and I’m not a chubby chaser, but the animation of him wobbling with every punch, kick, and spin brought a tear to my eye.

I haven’t played a Street Fighter game since the days of trying to eat a 3DO controller in frustration of not being able to corner, so I couldn’t do any super moves. Hell, I couldn’t even throw a fireball. But that didn’t stop me from beating my guests at five or six games in a row by wildly spanking the buttons. So yeah, I guess it feels like classic Street Fighter.

Now all it needs are about seven new iterations for people to buy.

Guile's seen worse, so we have to assume his faggy display of fear stems from Viper's mutant tits.