Don’t pay money for Qore until they turn it into a Life With Playstation channel, definitely. The only useful bit of info I gleaned from that thing is that the dev team for Bionic Commando is pandering to an audience that’s not quite ready for that big leap to a GED. I downloaded the demo for Rearmed before I realized it was pretty much a straight port of the NES Bionic Commando and they added a tutorial. Think about that. Whereas the original game took it on good faith that you’d figure out the many threes of things you could do with the bionic arm, this remake has you watch videos with details. Worse yet, it ends about halfway into the first level, and I really need to know if they’ve kept the Nazis-except-not-really aesthetic. I will definitely pay ten bucks if I get to blow up Neo Hitler’s face in glorious 3D.

(A friend has informed me that you do, and it’s even more epic. Plus your character now looks quite a lot like The Riddler. Sold!)

Then again, I guess I can understand why the team felt the need to include the tutorial. Looking at video of the upcoming Bionic Commando game, they desperately needed Treyarch’s Spider-Man engine to figure out how to make a game in the first place because this game looks like some synthesis of the latter’s web-slinging engine… with guns!

The real kicker that convinced me that both the dev team and Veronica Belmont will not be joining John Carmack on his rocket-building binges was the Qore interview where they talked about how important it was to pick up in the story just where the original left off. You haven’t gone insane; They actually said that. Apparently there’s somewhere you can go, narrative-wise, after blowing up Hitler’s face. Then again, Sony or whoever probably didn’t hire Belmont to do any complex math problems, as Google’s search suggestions indicate:

Since some of you are obviously unaware of how to turn off SafeSearch to look for some real spank material, I added a helpful guide to the above picture. Also, “boyfriend”? Seriously, you’re aiming too high.

Anyway, my money is on Rearmed. The upcoming sequel to the original Bionic Commando’s sales numbers has a bad case of gaybeard and Akira arm.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.