Congratulations, Sony, you have officially failed with flying fucking colors. I finally get my credit card information recognized (and I fully confess that it’s my fault) and wait around for the Metal Gear Solid add-on for LittleBigPlanet. And wait. And wait.

You’ve hidden any information pretty damn well, which might be some kind of tribute to the Metal Gear series or it might be utter incompetence. Whatever, I’ve searched around for over an hour and even your condescending forum trolls can’t answer the question without providing six links at a time that don’t even provide a direct answer before they stuff another handful of Chee-toes down their craw. They have learned well from you.

Here, let me spell it out for you; Your average customer MIGHT have a GED, and both you and Media Molecule make it necessary to have a PhD and a GPS tracker to find the info I’m looking for. Wait, sorry, too many words and abbreviations. HIDE INFO BAD BAD YOU DUMB HEADS.

I did finally thumb through about fifteen threads full of assholes emoting deep, long-suffering electronic sighs about how new people were soooo stupid to finally find some kind of rough 7pm EST post. We’ll see.

So while I had my card attached to my account with some expendable income to burn, I decided I’d treat myself to one other game. PAIN seems like more of a tech demo with no actual playable demo, which is always a bad sign for a downloadable game. The Last Guy was entertaining, but not ten bucks entertaining. I settled on PixelJunk Eden, which had a playable demo that was both entertaining and artistically engaging.

As a side note, I think Eden does for art fags what the Xbox did for frat boys. It’s an enabler. Welcome to our dorky hobby, we’re not interested in the poetry you have on your laptop. Grab a controller and shut up.

Let me just explain something to you right now. Do not purchase PixelJunk Eden. Download the demo. Definitely play the demo. You’ll probably have a lot of fun collecting the three level-ending MacGuffins, admiring the very cool art direction, and having your inner sadist honed by years of playing murder simulators soothed by the unique music. It will even seem like something you’d want to do more of. Don’t be fooled, the demo is a carefully measured dose of something you’re very quickly going to get sick of. The next two levels drag on like a cousin who doesn’t realize that Christmas is over and you want to dress your trophy girlfriend up in the Santa’s Little Helper lingerie you got her as a gift so he should just get the hell out even if it’s hailing fist-sized chunks of frozen shit out there.

Then you get to the third world and the game gets unplayable, with enemies that zero in on your exact location and are SUPPOSED to shoot crap at you to make them vulnerable, but they do that roughly once for every three times you play the game. I think they’re called something Chasers, but I just refer to them as Rapemongers. As you go higher and precision jumps become a must, you waste all your precious energy just trying to avoid them to line up the next jump. And you never get to that point.

A better use of ten bucks:

Two calzones
Three jars of Planter peanuts or four of the generic brand
The original GameBoy on eBay
One back alley hand job (for god’s sake, double bag it for your protection)
A bootleg of the Criterion DVD of “Salo”, though this is only a marginally superior choice
One of our crappy Final Fantasy X-2 wall scrolls

Of course, some of you are twelve years old and will have to purchase Eden just because a lot of the plants look like dicks. I’m not being juvenile, they really, really do. Which is honestly kind of hilarious when they’re in the process of growing.